Tantrums and Big Feelings
Toddler tantrums are a normal part of development, not a sign of bad parenting or a naughty child. They happen when feelings become bigger than a young child's ability to manage them. This guide explains why tantrums happen, what makes them worse, what actually helps in the moment, and when it is worth seeking advice.
Almost every parent of a toddler has stood in a supermarket aisle while their child lies on the floor screaming about the wrong coloured cup. It is exhausting and sometimes embarrassing, and it is also completely normal. Understanding what is going on makes it easier to respond calmly. More guides are in our guides to early development.
Why tantrums are developmentally normal
Tantrums are developmentally normal because toddlers feel strong emotions and want independence long before they have the language and self-control to manage those feelings. They are most common between about one and four, often peaking around two to three, and gradually ease as children learn words and strategies.
Toddlers want to do things themselves but often cannot, which is deeply frustrating.
They cannot yet explain what they want or feel, so frustration comes out as crying or flailing.
They live in the moment. Waiting and accepting "no" are skills still under construction.
Toddler tantrums can look alarming, with kicking, screaming or even breath-holding, but they pass, and your steady presence is what matters.
Tantrums are not manipulation. Most young children are genuinely overwhelmed, not calculating.
Common triggers
- Tiredness and hunger
- Being told no
- Transitions between activities
- Not being understood
- Wanting to do it themselves
Feelings in motionThe brain science, briefly
In simple terms, the parts of the brain that generate strong emotions work well from early on, while the part that helps us pause, plan and calm down, the prefrontal cortex, develops slowly right through childhood and beyond. In a tantrum, the emotional brain takes over and the thinking brain is temporarily offline.
That is why reasoning with a child mid-tantrum rarely works. They cannot access logic until they are calmer.
Calm adults lend children their own regulation. A soothing voice and presence help a child's body settle.
Each time a child is helped through a big feeling, the pathways for self-calming grow a little stronger.
What makes tantrums worse
Tantrums tend to get worse when adults shout, punish, argue, give in after saying no, or pile on reasoning while the child is overwhelmed. Tiredness, hunger, rushed transitions and unpredictable routines also make them more frequent. Giving in teaches that a tantrum works; harshness adds fear to an already overwhelmed child.
Inconsistency confuses children. If "no" sometimes becomes "yes" after enough crying, crying becomes the strategy.
Long explanations in the moment add to overload. Save the talking for later.
Shaming, such as "big girls don't cry", teaches children to hide feelings rather than manage them.
Physical punishment is harmful and is prohibited in education and care services under the national regulations.
What actually helps in the moment
In the moment, what helps most is staying calm, keeping your child safe, naming the feeling in a few words, and waiting it out nearby while holding the limit you set. Once the storm passes, offer comfort and reconnect. Talking about what happened works far better when your child is calm again.
Hold the limit kindly. "I know you want the lolly. The answer is still no. I'll stay with you."
Some children want a hug; others need space with you close by. Follow your child's cues.
Afterwards, keep it light. There is no need for a long lecture; a simple "that was hard, you calmed down" helps.
Preventing the preventable ones
Many tantrums can be prevented by keeping routines predictable, heading off hunger and tiredness, warning before transitions, offering simple choices and giving children chances to do things themselves. You will not prevent them all, but you can reduce how often they happen and how big they get.
Give a five-minute warning before leaving the park, and a one-minute warning too.
Offer two acceptable choices: "Do you want to walk or hop to the car?"
Pack snacks and plan outings around naps.
Notice good moments. Praise for calm cooperation encourages more of it.
Prevention toolkit
- Predictable routines
- Snacks and rest on time
- Warnings before changes
- Simple choices
- Time to try it themselves
Calm starts earlyHow we handle big feelings at the centre
At our centre, educators respond to big feelings calmly and kindly. They keep children safe, name the feeling, stay close, and help the child return to play once they are ready. Children are never shamed or punished for their emotions, and we share with families how their child's day went, including harder moments.
Predictable routines and warnings before transitions prevent many meltdowns in the room.
Quiet spaces give children somewhere calm to settle when the room feels too busy.
We talk with families about what works at home, so strategies stay consistent.
Read about our approach to social and emotional development.
When frequency or intensity warrants advice
Seek advice if tantrums are very frequent, last a long time, involve regular hurting of self or others, continue at high intensity well past age four or five, or come with concerns about speech, sleep or development. A GP, child health nurse or paediatrician can help work out what is going on.
Speech difficulties can increase frustration. If your child struggles to be understood, a speech assessment may help. See our speech and language guide.
Parenting programs can offer practical, evidence-based strategies and support. The national Pregnancy, Birth and Baby service also has guidance on toddler tantrums, and a helpline staffed by maternal child health nurses.
Look after yourself too. Coping with frequent tantrums is draining, and asking for help is a strength.
Tantrums, answered
Are tantrums bad behaviour?+
No, tantrums are not bad behaviour in young children; they are a sign of feelings that are too big to manage yet. Toddlers lack the language and self-control to handle strong emotions. Calm, consistent support helps them learn, while punishment tends to add fear without teaching the skill.
Should I ignore them?+
It helps to ignore the demands but not the child. Stay close and calm, keep them safe and hold your limit, without giving in or arguing. Once the tantrum passes, reconnect warmly. Walking away completely can leave a young child feeling abandoned when they most need help.
When do they stop?+
Tantrums usually become less frequent and less intense between about three and five, as language, self-control and coping strategies develop. Most children still have the occasional meltdown when tired or overwhelmed, even at school age. Steady improvement over time is the sign things are on track.
Learn about our early learning centre in St Ives.
Calm, caring educators
Visit and see how we support children through big feelings.